Separation anxiety is a common experience for young children, typically occurring between the ages of 6 months and 3 years. It is a normal part of their development as they start to develop a sense of attachment and become aware of their dependence on their primary caregivers. While separation anxiety can be challenging for both children and parents, understanding the importance of timing can greatly help in easing this transition.
Separation anxiety is characterized by feelings of distress or anxiety when a child is separated from their primary caregiver. It often manifests as clinginess, crying, or tantrums when the caregiver tries to leave. This behavior is a natural response to the fear of being abandoned or left alone.
While separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development, it can be overwhelming for both children and parents. However, with the right approach and timing, parents can help their children navigate through this phase more smoothly.
Both of my boys had separation anxiety, and we had a very hard transition phase when starting their preschools. Timing played a crucial role in helping my children cope with separation anxiety. By being mindful of the timing of separations, we were able to create a supportive environment that encouraged our children’s independence and built their confidence.
Strategy 1: Gradual separation (preparation stage)
Gradual separation is also a key when it comes to helping children with separation anxiety. Instead of abruptly leaving your child, try to gradually increase the time apart. Start with short separations and gradually extend them as your child becomes more comfortable. For example, you can start sending your kid to school from one or two day a week. Eventually you can gradually increase the number of days from one or two to three to four days.
My older son, E, went to preschool two days a week. He cried so much and tried to get out of his classroom on his first day, so his teacher suggested I stay in his classroom for the whole day. As long as he was able to see me, he was fine, but he started crying and screaming as soon as he lost me from his sight. I stayed in his classroom the whole day and tried that for 2 months. E and I were not able to enjoy it at all, so we stopped after all. After we stopped, he was being very sensitive about being away from me, and that made me very nervous whether he would be fine for the following year. I was even imagining a 10-year-old grown-up son crying when going to school. I was worried that much. For this first trial, the timing was just bad. First, E was not ready for preschool. Second, it was when Y was just born, so E was going through just so much and could not handle too many changes.
For the following year, we decided to send him to a few hour summer camp program to prepare for preschool in fall. I explained to his teacher about his separation anxiety and told her he did not understand or speak any English. He cried but I was able to see a big difference compared to a year before. He was crying but he did not come to me or chase after me. He knew he had to stay in his classroom and I was able to see him controlling himself. According to his teacher, he was crying another 10 to 15 minutes after I left but he stopped crying and started playing with his friends. After 1 hour, he was upset and crying again but he tried to calm himself down by sitting in his own spot by himself. When I heard about it, I was impressed he grew up so much mentally. After summer camp, he did not cry in his first day at preschool at all. He was all confident and was ready to enjoy it!
Strategy 2: Establishing Routines
Children thrive on routines, and having a consistent schedule can help reduce separation anxiety. By establishing predictable routines, children can anticipate separations and feel more secure in knowing what to expect. That helps them expecting “their parents are coming back to pick them up later”
For example, having a set routine for drop-offs and pick-ups can provide a sense of stability and predictability for your child. This routine can include activities such as saying goodbye at the same spot, kissing, hugging or anything you and your children can share as a routine.
My younger brother, Y, started going to a Japanese preschool when he was three. While we did not have a Japanese preschool where we used to live, we had some Japanese preschools where we currently live. Because I was thinking the language barrier was one of the reasons for crying, I was not worried much about Y. However, he cried so much, grabbed my arms and hair, and did not let me go. It was unexpected, and he actually cried every morning for a year. Fortunately, his teachers were very good at comforting him, so he stopped crying right after I left. However, it was still hard for me to watch him cry so much every morning. I kissed and hugged him when dropping him off and picking him up. That was our set routine. I also gave him a big cheer when picking up how he did a great job at preschool, sharing toys with his friends, doing great job at art crafts, or anything he should be proud of. He looked so confident and accomplished when I gave him all those compliments.
After a year, he does not even kiss or hug me anymore but just runs to his friends as soon as he gets to school.
Separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development, and with the right approach and timing, parents can help their children navigate through this phase with ease. By gradually introducing separations, establishing routines, parents can support their children in building confidence and independence.
Remember, each child is unique, and it is important to be patient and understanding as they navigate through their separation anxiety. With time and consistent support, children can develop the necessary skills to cope with separations and thrive in their independence.
By looking at both boys having separation anxiety, the environment and language are very important, but the biggest fact for us was their mental readiness to be away from their parents. For us, “timing” was a key. For preparation, summer camp helped him to be ready. For Y, it just took a year for him to be ready. Many kids have this stage and experience separation anxiety. It is just one of the paths for growth. You do not have to be in a rush. It is hard, but trust me, they will be ready whenever they are ready. For now, please cherish the moment they kiss and hug you when you get off to school.
